Dear Kim~

I’m 24 years old, recently graduated from college and got my first real job.  I’ve been dating this guy (I’ll call him Tom) for about five months.  We don’t work together, but I did meet him through some friends at work. He’s 28.  He has a lot of great qualities and is really good looking.  Sometimes, when I look at him in fact, I can’t believe he’s going out with me.  He calls me a few times a day and  emails or texts me too. He has the best manners and treats me like a queen.  He always pays when we go out, even if we’re with friends. When I offer to pay, he says “no” he just wants to take care of me since he makes more money than I do.  We hang out together almost everyday (unless he has to work late) and of course, neither of us are dating other people.  He constantly tells me how much he loves me!

 So, you’re probably wondering why I’m writing to you if he’s such a great guy!  Here is my issue:  I think he gets jealous really easily (and my friends agree).  For example, the other night, before meeting up with friends we stopped at the mall.  While we were waiting in line to pay, Tom got the idea that another guy was looking at me.  He glared at the poor guy, made comments to me about it and then couldn’t stop talking about it for the rest of the night.  This happens a lot.  Also, he’s always asking me about my guy friends or guys I work with.  From various things he’s said in the past, I know if he ever saw me alone with another guy, even if it’s just as friends, he’d get upset about it.  I’ve tried to talk to him about it and reassure him that he has nothing to worry about but this doesn’t seem to help the situation.  Also, I try really hard to not make him jealous by never making eye contact with other guys and never talking about other guys either.   

 Do you think this is something Tom will eventually get over?  Is there anything I can do so that he won’t feel so jealous all the time?  Or is this something I just have to live with?
~Lori

 Dear Lori~
Have you ever played Monopoly?  You know when you get the Chance card (mine are orange) that says “Go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200”?  Well, I would amend that to say:  “Run, run as fast as you can, do not pass Go, do not collect $200 or emotional jail is where you will stay”.  Notice I didn’t say “…where you will go” because I have a feeling you’re already there girlfriend!

 The problem with Tom is not that he loves you so deeply, it’s that he is insecure, lacks self-esteem, and craves control.  Therefore, he conjures up threat where clearly none exists.  Thank goodness you are discovering this relatively early on in the relationship.  Dating someone who is insecure, lacks a decent measure of self-esteem, and is obsessed with controlling others is not the greatest idea.  It sounds like not only is he somewhat domineering and parental towards you, but has also kept you from doing things that normal people do.  Normal people are free to make eye contact with others, be friends with members of the opposite sex, and pay for a date every now and again, ect, ect.

 I would suspect that his jealousy and control freakish behavior manifests itself in many other ways that keep you from enjoying a normal, happy life as well.  Does he pout or give you a hard time when you want to hang out with your girlfriends?  Does he get suspicious if you want to attend an event without him?  Does he expect you to “check in” and let him know where you are throughout the day?

 So, in answer to your questions:  1) No.  Unless Tom chooses to do some significant work in therapy, I don’t think he will eventually get over this.  2) No.  You’ve already tried to organize your life so that Tom doesn’t get jealous and still he does, so obviously, what you do makes no difference at all. --Never mind the fact that you shouldn’t have to reorganize your life to accommodate his jealousy anyway.  3) ABSOLUTELY NO.  You do not have to live with this (see paragraph #1).

 Do me a favor and within the next couple of weeks organize a girls night in.  Rent the following DVDs:  “Titanic” with Kate Winslet and “Ever After” with Drew Barrymore.  Here are examples of  two women who made a conscious decision to discontinue living with emotional abuse and who extricated themselves from it.

 I’m sure you are well aware that we can’t change others, we can only change ourselves.  Whatever you do, you cannot change Tom’s jealous and domineering demeanor.  Lori, you sound like a bright, energetic, well-educated woman.  Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t trust you (due to his own deep-set issues) and who doesn’t allow you to live your life to the fullest.  You deserve much better.  You deserve normalcy. 

Good luck!
~Kim