Dear Kim:
I’ve been married for 10 years to a man I no longer like. He’s a good provider and an ok father to our 2 daughters, ages 9 and 7 (when he’s home), but life together has become miserable.

The problem with my marriage is that there is no “partnership” to speak of and of course no romance whatsoever. My husband rarely listens to me when I speak and he never compliments me. About the only time we have a normal conversation is when it’s something about the girls or the house. He never does nice things for me and he’s usually in a grumpy mood too which then of course makes me in a grumpy mood also.

I honestly cannot go on like this. I feel like I have a roommate (and not one I like very much either) instead of a husband. I’m thinking about filing for divorce but I worry about how my daughters would take it and also, I’m not sure I want to be alone out there.

Any advice you can give me would be appreciated.
Cheryl


Dear Cheryl~
Thank you for taking the time to write. It sounds like your at your wits end but have reservations about throwing in the towel. That’s a good thing. It means your willing to look at alternatives.

I have good news and bad news:

Bad News first:  Although you can influence your husband, the only person you can actually control is yourself , therefore,  you're the one who will have to start working toward change. Bummer, I know.

Now the Good News:  So, No, you don’t have to go on like this, and Yes, it is possible that romance and partnership can be restored to your marriage. So doing most of the work (at least at first) might be worth it, right?

From what you’ve written, it seems like the two of you have gotten into a rut.  Let's try some tiny baby steps.

This is what I want you to do:

1) Every now and again (do a weekly repeat in your palm pilot), tell him in a diplomatic way and at a nuetral time, using a little bit of humor  that you would like a change on a particular issue. Say it in regards to what is going on within you, so he doesn’t get defensive (well, ok, he still may get defensive). “Jim, when I’m talking to you and you ignore me it makes me feel invisible.  Like Casper the Friendly Ghost.  Without the puggie tummy of course”.

2) The absolute nano-second he does anything even remotely positive let him know in an obvious way (‘cause guys don't get clues) that you greatly appreciate it. 

And, 3) Ever so softly (‘cause you don’t want to shock him) slip romance and kindness back into your marriage. Depending on how far out in left field you two are now, you may have to start with something as innocuous as turning on a light for him when he’s reading.

A final tip: (drum roll please!) If he starts to wonder out loud if something fishy is going on and accuses you of being a fake, you say (with a slightly mischievous smile on your face), “Whenever a person brushes up on a language they haven’t used for a long time, your right, it does sound fakey. Wanna brush up with me?”

Ideally, your actions will eventually be reciprocated-- but after you’ve given this the good ‘ole college try, over the space of a few months and there is still no change, then by all means drag your husband to marriage counseling before you drag him to court. 

I’m glad your willing to sweat this out, not only could it turn out surprisingly well for you as a couple, but what a great example it will be to your daughters on how to repair a relationship and maintain a successful marriage.

Good luck.
~Kim