“Friends: Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can’t Live Without ‘Em!”

Dear Kim,
I’m a woman in my late 20’s. I have a great group of girl friends that I love to spend time with.  Besides going out, we spend a lot of time talking and lending an extra hand when one of us needs help.  I just have one big problem with my friends though and here it is: I am mostly always the one who comes up with something to do and then organizes every detail. For the most part, if I don’t organize EVERYTHING… then we don’t get together. Because I like being with my friends so much and because I don’t have work friends or family around (like my girlfriends do), I’ve done it for a long time, but I’m starting to feel tired of it all and wish someone else could do all the leg work once in a while. Is this a lot to ask, am I being selfish and lazy? Is it possible to give up my job as social planner without loosing my friends all together (because I definitely don’t want to do that)? This is one problem I obviously can’t ask my friend’s advice on so what do you think?
~Lisa (not my real name)

Dear Lisa~
I can appreciate your problem. Although your friends bring you enjoyment as well as emotional and physical support, it sounds as though you’ve grown resentful of the lop-sided-ness of it all.

So,
1) No, you are definitely not selfish or lazy

2) Yes, changing roles in any relationship will change the status quo

and 3) If you approach small changes with diplomacy and humor you will probably not loose your friends.
That said, there are a couple things you might want to ponder first.

You mentioned that some of the women in the group also have people outside the group that they are close to. Within these other relationships, do your friends also wait for social plans to be made on their behalf or do they tend to take the roll of  cruise director? If so, perhaps they feel that within their own lives, there is an equal amount of give and take.

Also, within your own social circle, do your friends pull their weight in other ways? Is one friend an especially good listener or does another friend have an extraordinary sense of humor? If so, then perhaps group tasks are not as lopsided as we originally thought?

That being said, if you’re sure your ready for a change and you don't mind that it may mean less time together,  go ahead and take a step or two toward role swapping. 

Next time there’s an occasion, hang back for a bit and see if someone else will take the lead. No one else probably will, so when someone says “Lisa, what are we doing for Kara’s birthday?"  You say, “Beats me, whose planning this one?”. I know this doesn’t sound like rocket science, but few are the people who diplomatically, voice their objection to being put upon. There will either be a slight shift in the way they see your role in the group, or, they’ll assume the artichoke-spinach dip didn’t sit well with you!

If this doesn’t get you the break you need you’ll have to decide if sticking with the status quo is worth what you get in return. Once we’re out of school, few women (and fewer men) have a social support system that is as well established as you describe. Our mental, emotional, physical and even spiritual selves are only as healthy as is our support system. On the other hand, if you continually feel resentful that is not healthy either. So change your perception of what’s going on or change what you do, but don’t sacrifice your friends, they’re hard to come by.

Good luck.
~Kim